They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
