in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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