The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize