yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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