life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
