I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
...so i touched it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you traded sex for a burrito?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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