How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
