I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
