He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
