Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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