i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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