apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize