i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm like, not good at living.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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