I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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