his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
