He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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