I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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