Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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