Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
