Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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