If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
