I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
