Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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