dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
