Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
