I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You left your phone here
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