Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So much Jack, so little girl.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
