Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
