Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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