woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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