Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
