Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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