Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
