girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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