He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize