you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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