i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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