I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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