Can Purell be used as lube?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
