my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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