So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
