I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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