I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
