i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
