New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
