tell your sister to shave her snatch
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
