Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
