if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
