i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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