My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The power of my boobs compel you
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
