let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
