Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
