just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
