Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
