Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
