At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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