There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize