I think my fart just growled at me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
