I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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