Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
