My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
