Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
