I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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