Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
